Harry Potter Meets Jesus
Hogwarts’ famous pupil may be anathema to conservative Christians. But with a simple conversion, he could be the next evangelical bestseller.
By Scott La Counte
Dear Mrs. Rowling,
For several years the Christian Book Coalition (CBC) has been debating about what to do with “Harry Potter.” Even though your books are evil and you have obviously been sent by the devil to write them, the CBC has noticed that the sales of just one of your books outnumber all four of our Christian bestselling series: the Left Behind books, the Jabez Prayer books, the Case for Christ books, and the Purpose Driven Life books. It therefore seems appropriate to do business with you—in Jesus’ name, of course.
The CBC is all about strategic planning. We’re already thinking 10 years down the road. By this time you should be finished with Demon Boy and ready to do something else. What the CBC would like to propose is a new line of books about Harry tentatively titled the “Harry Meets Jesus” series. This would feature an 18-year-old Harry Potter who has a born-again experience, and is on a conquest to fight evil through the secret power of Jesus. We have come up with several potential titles and plot points that we feel could make “Harry Potter Meets Jesus” the biggest blockbuster series of all time.
Harry Potter Meets Jesus
To make up for his evil deeds, Harry agrees to 20 more years of indentured servitude for the Dursleys, to be executed with complete submission and humility. In return, Mr. Dursley generously guarantees Harry lifetime employment as his fat, disgusting son Dudley’s “gentleman’s gentleman.”
When Harry’s demon pals Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger hear of Harry’s conversion, they rush to save him from making “the biggest mistake of your life!” They enlist the aid of Dobby the House Elf, who does all sorts of mischief, turning Mrs. Dursley into a rapper, Mr. Dursley into a screaming drag queen, and Dudley into a banana plant, all the while making it look like Harry is the culprit. When Dobby trashes the church and makes the pastor do a strip tease during the Sunday sermon, Harry is banned from the church. The Dursleys also throw him out on the street. With nowhere to go, Harry turns to prayer.
Suddenly Jesus appears before him and tells Harry that now, with Christ in his heart, he no longer needs a wand to do magic: his prayers will instantly manifest his desires. Together, Jesus and Harry go back to the Dursleys, where at first Mr. Dursley refuses to let them in, mistaking Jesus for one of Harry’s Hogwarts classmates. But Jesus makes Himself known, the Dursleys fall at his feet, and He exposes Dobby and vouches for Harry’s purity. The book ends with Harry’s baptism and the end of Hogwarts, which mysteriously goes up in flames.
Harry Potter and the War on Terror
If there is anything a righteous Christian likes more than reading about end times, it’s reading about Christians fighting terrorism. In this series, Harry will discover a conspiracy in the English monarchy between Queen Elizabeth and Osama Bin Laden, who is her lover and has not been captured because he has managed to remain hidden under her bed for the last four years. Harry defects from the United Kingdom and is granted political/religious asylum in America, in return for which he agrees to become a spy. He disguises himself as a Fulbright distinguished professor teaching theology in Afghanistan, where he fights terrorism by converting the nation into Christians. Harry will also have to fight the evil Lord Voldemort, who has joined forces with al-Qaida, changed his name to Mohammed Bin Bad, and created the most powerful terrorism network in the world.
Harry Potter and the Tribe of New Guinea Man Eaters Who Learn Their Ways Are Very Bad and Convert to Jesus
Harry Potter and the Wrath of Hollywood
For years, Christians have been trying to take Hollywood away from the Jews. Harry Potter might be what everyone is praying for. This book might be considered the Christian “The Last Tycoon.” Harry will leave England for Hollywood to start a Christian production studio named “Left Behind Productions,” which the mean Jewish producers dub “My Left Cheek” and “Up My Behind Productions.” Harry will regularly engage in battles with overweight Jews and their demon-possessed Hollywood starlets. He might also team up with his old nemeses, Draco Malfoy and Severus Snape, whose greedy natures will help him to better understand how to successfully distribute and market Christian films to a secular world. Harry could also teach Christian actors how to act, Christian directors how to direct, and Christian screenwriters how to write. In one moving chapter, Harry teaches some gangsta rappers the evil consequences of violence and foul language and instantly converts them to Christianity. At the book’s end, all the Jews flee Hollywood for Texas, which they annex into a second Israel.
Harry Potter and the Olsen Twins
As you are probably aware, the Olsen twins are a franchise. Their franchise, however, is slipping, and is already developing a Christian angle for the purposes of better marketing. Why not have Harry join forces with Mary Kate and Ashley? Their adventures might include, among other things, sailing on the high seas and converting pirates; pony back riding in rural America and converting crazy mountain men who help them find lost gold; babysitting a bunch of South Park-crazed kids and converting them before the night’s end; starting a modeling business for Christian pretty people; uncovering sinister plots against the country and teaming up with Team America (whom Harry and the Olsens have converted) to solve them; and convincing Paris Hilton to renounce her evil ways and join up with Jack and Rexella Van Impe to travel to Africa and start a movement called “Starving for Jesus.”
Harry Potter and the Curse of the Queens
In this book, Harry’s best friend Ron Weasley announces that he is gay and has affections for Harry. Shocked and repulsed, Harry tries to convert Ron to Jesus, who will take the gayness out of him and replace it with healthy heterosexual testosterone. But Ron refuses to convert and instead moves to West Hollywood, where he becomes a hustler and falls in love with Brad Pitt. Harry has no choice but to condemn Ron (now Rona) and abolish their friendship. The entire ordeal leaves Harry so depressed that he is tempted to go back to witchcraft. Ultimately, however, he realizes that he can use his pain to educate others. He decides to help the world understand more clearly why homosexuality is evil, and he begins an anti-homosexual ministry, touring the country and giving lectures on how to ostracize homosexuals until they choose to go straight. Harry visits homosexual communities with a bevy of Supermodels and his team of “Jocks for Jesus,” dressed in skimpy bikinis and displaying anti-gay Bible verses in suggestive places on their bodies. Meanwhile, Ron has organized a Screaming Queen Rally in Hollywood to fight Harry. The Queens confront Harry and tie him to a tree with pantyhose. They are just about to dye his hair blonde and give him a Marilyn Makeover when Jesus appears and strikes them dead, all except for Ron, who escapes and plots his revenge.
Harry Potter and the Beast of Beelzebub
Since End Times books are the “it” thing in the Christian publishing world, we at the CBC believe that a Harry Potter apocalypse book is just what you need, Ms. Rowling, to get the attention of Christians worldwide. In this book, Harry realizes that he has been Left Behind™ during the Rapture, and immediately accepts the grace of God in dramatic style (there should be lots of weeping, shouting, and moaning on Harry’s part). Harry will have to fight Ron Weasley, his former best friend turned gay, who turns out to be the Antichrist. Hermione Granger will marry Ron and have his baby, but then she, too, will discover he’s the Antichrist and will run off to join an elite special-op Christian group that Harry is heading, where she will fight with Harry’s force in James Bond style (note that by James Bond we mean a sexless James Bond, of course). As for her baby, it will be a good/evil half-breed possessing both satantic and Christian genes. It will destroy everything in its path and then feel bad about it afterwards, until it is baptized by Harry, at which point the satanic gene will be disabled and the child will be pronounced the Second Christ.
Harry Potter Meets and Conquers Lust
In the final book in the series, Harry realizes he’s having unlawful lust for Hermione Granger, who, even though she fought with his forces against her Antichrist former husband, Ron Weasley, has not yet quite made up her mind to convert. Harry tells Hermione that while he loves her, they could never court unless she becomes a Christian. Weeping with joy, Hermione replies, “Oh, Harry—I love you, you stud muffin. Of course I’ll become a Christian for you!” Harry then goes to Hermione’s parents and receives their blessing to court. Harry and Hermione then time travel to Colonial America, where Harry will be a husky farmer and Hermione will be a pure girl of poor but devout stock. The two court during hardships (i.e. small pox, revolutionary wars, and other farm life trials). Harry will go off to fight a war and die, and Hermione will never marry again, remaining a beautiful Christian until her lonely but virtuous death, when her child from her marriage to Ron reappears as the Second Christ, saves the world once and for all, and takes her up to heaven.
Ms. Rowling, even if you yourself do not become a Christian, we urge you to consider the possibility of writing the “Harry Potter Meets Jesus” series and donating your share of the proceeds to worthy Christian causes like the CBC. Meanwhile, we are very excited about working with you in the future, and continue to pray for your salvation every night when we tally up our sales receipts.
Praying For Your Soul,
Scott La Counte is a librarian and a freelance writer living in Southern California. He has written for McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The Door Magazine, Campus Life, and The Morning News, among other publications. He is also a book reviewer for School Library Journal. His homepage is www.scottdouglas.org, and he may be reached via Roboscott7@msn.com.
May 7, 2010
The Mother of Mother's Day
January 28, 2010
Securing Your Pet's Post-Rapture Future
January 13, 2010
December 21, 2009
Ho, Ho, Hollywood
December 14, 2009
Bad Dream Girls
July 16, 2009
The New, Updated Gospel of Mark
July 16, 2009
Why Is a Spiritual Advisor Like a Lay's Potato Chip?
December 24, 2008
Christmas Eve Blues
December 23, 2008
Christmas Gifts of Long Ago
November 25, 2008
Giving Thanks in Thankless Times
November 16, 2008
October 29, 2008
October 26, 2008
The Poison Seeds Spread by Dying Congregations
October 11, 2008
Palin Watch V: Troopergate, Poopergate!
October 4, 2008
Palin Watch IV: Post-Debate Musings
SoMA's archive here
Copyright © 2017 SoMAreview, LLC. All Rights Reserved