Top Ten Onion Religion Stories

The Onion has published scores of great religion pieces. Here are ten of the best.

By John D. Spalding

The Onion has reported so many wonderful religion stories over the years that it doesn't seem right to single out 10 for special merit. For example, devoted Onion readers might notice I didn't expand my list to include Bush Unveils New Blind-Faith-Based Initiatives or Local Pastor Solves Problem by Quoting Scripture. But, hey, Top Ten lists, not Top Twelve lists, are a national obsession, and didn't I just squeeze these two gems into the intro? Here then, in no particular order, are my 10 faves:

1) Christ Kills Two, Injures Seven in Abortion-Clinic Attack:

"'It was horrible,' said injured clinic nurse Jessica Combs, recovering at a local hospital with bullet wounds to the leg and abdomen. 'He put his hands over Dr. Woodring's head and told him He forgave him for his sins, and then He shot him right in the face.'"

2) Horribly Awkward First Sexual Encounter 'Worth The Wait' For Christian Newlyweds:

"Penile insertion was somewhat complicated by John's refusal to assist the navigation process by touching himself—an act the Bible strictly prohibits—but a few more minutes of unsteady shifting and jabbing enabled his penis to 'almost certainly' enter Linda."

3) Pope John Paul II: 25 Years Of Laughs:

"'I can still remember seeing him do his classic 'Galileo' bit in the early '90s,' said fellow comedian George Carlin, referring to the pope's 1992 declaration that the church erred in condemning Galileo. 'Here was this man, appearing on televisions around the world, making a proclamation that the sun does not move around the earth. I laughed until tears rolled down my cheeks.'"

4) NFL Star Thanks Jesus After Successful Double Homicide:

"'First off, I'd like to say 'great job' to Isaac and Pamela, who put up a heck of a fight and have nothing to be ashamed of,' Banks said. 'They were terrific opponents, and it's too bad somebody had to lose a life. But the Lord Jesus Christ was truly with me Saturday night. He guided my hand when I was able to make that big hit on Isaac, and I really felt His presence when I stepped up and made that great slashing cut to bring Pamela down from behind.'

"Added Banks: 'Jesus really let me take this homicide to the next level. Thank you, Jesus!'"

5) Jewish Elders Lift 6,000-Year Ham Ban:

"During the Passover seder, which commemorates our people's deliverance from slavery in Egypt, we will remember the day God brought us unto the Land of Milk and Honey by drinking a tall glass of milk with a thick slice of honey-glazed ham,' Feinberg said. 'And joining the charoses and maror on the seder plate will be a ham roll, symbolizing the juicy, mouth-watering taste of freedom.'"

6) World's Muslims Lighten Up:

"'For the past dozen centuries or so, perhaps we took things a little too seriously,' Arab League president Ibn Raouf-Abdel said. 'Yes, abstaining from strong drink and hiding women's faces from view and castrating blasphemers are all great. But isn't there more to life? What about flying a kite? Or swinging on a swing? Or cakes at birthday parties?'"

7) Jesus Demands Creative Control Over Next Movie:

"'I never should have given Mel Gibson so much license,' said Christ, the Son of God. 'I don't like to criticize a member of the flock, but that close-up of the nails being pounded into My wrists—that was just bad.'"

8) Local Lutheran Minister Loves To Fuck His Wife:

"The Holy Bible sanctifies the bond between a man and a woman in matrimony as a sacred union," [Pastor] Snowdon said. "And there is nothing so smiled upon by our Lord than the love and caring that is shared when a man fucks his lawfully wedded bride. Just thinking about it makes me want to zip home for a few minutes and fuck Emily right now."

The punch line:

"Pastor Bob and his wife both stressed that, of course, abortion is a terrible sin, as is homosexuality, group sex, anal sex, oral sex, phone sex, pornography, and all forms of contraception."

9) In "The Ten Commandments," I Performed All My Own Miracles, commentary by Charlton Heston:

"If you ask me, special effects are just Hollywood talk for cutting corners. If you really want to give the audience a show, you've got to do something risky like summon God's 10 plagues on Egypt yourself. It was originally God's idea, but the execution was all me, just like every other miracle in that film. That goes for the frogs, rivers of blood, locusts, pillars of fire, even the burning bush. Call me a traditionalist, but that's all part of the job of an actor.

"For the second half of the film, I also played the part of Yul Brynner."

10) Apartment Full Of Jesus Stuff Brings Date To Screeching Halt:

"'Immediately upon walking into the living room, I spotted that framed Last Supper hanging above the couch,' said Richman, 32, speaking from the safety of his own non-Jesus-themed apartment. 'It took me about half a second to realize that it just wasn't going to happen for the two of us.'"

To comment on this article, or to offer your own favorite Onion religion story, click here.

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John D. Spalding is the editor of SoMAreview.com. His last piece was Jane Austen Meets Jesus.

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